Today's Reflection

Back in the spring I posted on Tumblr: 

“Reach out for the joy and the sorrow. Put them away in your mind. The memories are times that you borrow, to spend when you get to tomorrow” Paul Anka “Times of Your Life”

I’m afraid to turn 30. Not in the typical way. I am not afraid of a new decade (though it is startling). I am not afraid of a wrinkle or a grey hair. I am afraid of the emotional half life I have created in my mind and heart.

This half life thing, it’s complicated. Half of my life ago I was a freshman in high school; fourteen, almost fifteen, just getting ready for spring break. My family moved that first weekend of spring break. And then I had that birthday, I turned fifteen. Just a day or two after that, my life changed. Mom told us that she was sick and she died about six months later. It was a hard time, but a great time in many ways too; so many very special memories in those few months. I like to think that I (with my family) went through this rather well. Most days I feel well adjusted and completely normal. Of course there are pangs and moments of sorrow here and there; brought on by that new British TV show she would have loved.

But I had a dawning thought a couple of years ago… when I am thirty I will have lived fifteen years with her in my life everyday and fifteen without. The half life. I first had this thought sometime between twenty-seven and twenty-eight, but I’ve kept it in the back of my thoughts until now. Now I am on the cusp of thirty. There is no denying the half life that approaches next week. The really scary thought is about what happens as I continue to live and age past thirty. The number of years that she was in my everyday will always and only be fifteen years. But the years without will keep growing. Some day it will be thirty years without, or even sixty-five. Hopefully I will live to be eighty, I want a life that long, but even on that day I will only have fifteen years worth of memories of my mom. And they will all be further back in my memory banks, harder to retrieve accurately. At least this is the fear. The fear of losing her all over again.

This is the fear that has me reluctant to turn thirty. The half life is upon me and my life will continue beyond this. Despite the fear I can’t stop it; it will happen in a matter of days.

Today is the day. The day that she has been gone from earthly existence, gone from my daily life for fifteen years. Fifteen years without her hugs, hearing her laugh, eating her cooking. Fifteen years of life lessons that she couldn't teach. Today I challenge myself to remember the feel of her embrace and to hear her laugh. I am grateful that I have her recipes and can do my best to emulate her cooking. I feel her presence in my life daily.

Today is the day that I realize I don't have to be afraid of losing her all over again, she never actually left me. 

I thought about today a few times throughout the recent weeks, but I was able to have that thought without fear. 

Today I will honor her memory and be thankful for the best fifteen years and mom I could have asked for, and grateful that the fifteen since then haven't been awful and scary.